Random funny things I may need to remember

I don't want to forget these so I'll post them here. They're from the web and random emails. I appologise for the formatting and spelling.

An interesting 'fact': "Although the Earth is larger, the moon is farther away."

An email forward
Dear Friends :

At this time of year, I want to thank all of you who have taken the time
and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank
you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of
your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the
rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French
and don't support our American troops. I no longer answer the phone
because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain
will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer date the opposite sex
because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub
full of ice. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once
I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
wish. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if
I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (I don't remember that in the Bible.)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer
have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail program. Yes, I want to thank all of you soooo much for looking
out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
(CST) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

The Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here arethe rulesfrom the male side. These are our rules:-Please note these are allnumbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it'sup, put itdown. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear uscomplainingaboutyou leaving it down.

Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changingof the tides.Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it thatway.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtlehints donotwork! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost everyquestion.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.That's whatwe do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See adoctor.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact,all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one ofthe waysmakes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you wantit done.Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do ityourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say duringcommercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither dowe.

ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows defaultsettings. Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Lilac is a flower. Wehave noideawhat mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will actlikenothing'swrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth thehassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect ananswer youdon't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear isfine.Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you areprepared todiscusssuch topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep onthe settee tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.